The Year of the Eunuch
I got a card. It says this is the Year of the Ox.
Obviously, this is some Chinese thing, which had me worried. So are the Chinese hacking New Year? First, your cellphone. Then the New Year. Christmas for sure ’cause all my presents were made in China, and the plastic Xmas tree, too.
And, WTF is an “ox?” Looks like some kinda bull, with tattoos all over like kids have these day, though thankfully no nose ring.
Is there a message here? Is this the Year of Bullshit?
I needed to talk to somebody — my friend Deke, on Zoom, of course, this being a Time of Plague — although I worried a little about the Russians hacking that. I heard about that on WaPo. If aint the Chinese, it’s the Russkies. Commies!
“Deke, I gotta know what’s an ‘ox’?
“It’s a cow”, he said, pouring himself another glass of wine to keep COVID at bay. “An ox is a kind of cow”.
“A fuckin’ cow?” Immediately, I thought ‘Jeff Bezos has bought the Dairy Industry’.
“So we gotta drink milk?”
Jeff Bezos and the Chinese control the world. An axis of Evil.
Deke looked at me: he’s the smartest guy I know and he actually reads! He sighed….
“You really don’t know what an ox is?”
“Well there is the expression, “dumb as an ox” but oxen aren’t necessarily stupid and that is not their only characteristic. Think: “strong as an ox”. Oxen are the second most important animal in the Chinese Zodiac after the Rat.
See, I was right about the Chinese. First, rats — then dumb, strong cows. WTF!
“ Oxen are cattle. Actually ‘cows’ are females. Every ox is male — they are bulls.”
“But bulls are dangerous.”
“Not these ones — they’re castrated.”
Oh, oh….Obviously, a Chinese thing. We gotta stop 5G. They are sneaky, like rats.
“No balls. So they are strong, honest, hardworking, modest. Useful.”
Then it hit me. 2021. A Year of Crisis. Pandemics. Threats of nuclear war. Climate change. Starvation. Death by GMO. And when am I EVER going to get laid? And what if I can’t log on to PornHub anymore?
But…it’s the Year of the Ox.
Like, Deke is really deep. Was he saying that the universe is telling us something — how to fix things? I made a huge intellectual leap. I am not stupid. I voted for Biden.
“So this year we have to “cutstrate” everyone — cut the balls off — all the politicians, government officials, and anybody above the rank of Lieutenant in the military! And, oh yeah, the cops”.
Deke poured himself another glass of virus-killer. Patiently.
“Well it is true that China enjoyed centuries of peace under the rule of the Eunuchs.”
I wasn’t sure what a “eunuch” was — or maybe is. A kind of politician in China? Or maybe some kind of weird animal? Or some munchy from the combi’? But Deke is makes, like, connections.
“What’s a YouNuck?”
Deke smiled … kindly — as if I was asking something dumb like: “Do politicians lie?” Or “Does the Democratic Party have a brain?” Or, “Does Jeff Bezos have a soul?”
“The Chinese cut off boys’ balls so they could serve better, since they would never have children to pass wealth onto, and were less aggressive. Naturally, they normally they usually did this with poor kids. Or, if some rich guy had too many sons by his various wives. In the beginning, eunuchs tended to the harems of China’s emperors and served as babysitters for the emperor’s children. They studied and involved themselves in the arts and were trusted. Like oxen, they just got the job done. Eventually, many assumed positions of power, as administrators, generals, and diplomats. Neutering someone tends to make them neutral, which means balance.
In an otherwise feudal society, Eunuchs provided balance and a dose of meritocracy. To get power they had to earn it. The Chinese enjoyed centuries of peace and prosperity, inventing all sorts of things, like gun powder and toilet paper.”
“That would be hard to do here. For one thing, if we just castrated top officials, say, the President and the head of the CIA, that wouldn’t do much good because they have already created a bloodline with wives and kids and grand-kids and they have had testosterone fueling their brains for years. Sexual competition is the root of all competition. Remember high school.”
I remembered high school. You couldn’t get laid unless you had a car and really great kicks. and clothes. Which I didn’t.
Deke continued, laughing a little, as most of my friends do when they see me coming:
”In addition, you have female politicians, like Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton, who have more balls than most of their male colleagues, not to mention bloodlines.”
Basically, you have to castrate kids before they get to sexual maturity and cut out that whole sexual competition thing. In the case of girls, you’d have to give them hysterectomies before the age of 12. No periods. No boyfriends. No bitch gangs. But you couldn’t do that for everyone — because the species would die out.”
“One way would be to just neuter poor kids — and then you’d have to give these kids preference for education and, if they did well, high office.”
Chinese socialism I thought. Fortunately, I knew that Deke was a loyal American. He served. He was in uniform. OK — so it was the boy scouts.
I know stuff, too.
I know that the Chinese are bad. Everyone knows about Wuhan or Hong Kong or that Square somewhere. And, of course, everyone also knows that Hillary and Nancy have balls. So I am not entirely stupid.
I wasn’t too sure what a history-ectomy was. Couldn’t get any hits on Google. No matter, I failed History in the seventh grade. So cutting out history might be a good thing. As for bloodlines, I lined up and gave blood once, when you got paid for it. “Testosterone”: I hate tests. Yeah, tests make you bad.”
But, hey, Deke is onto something. This is the Year of the Eunuch. A Chinese conspiracy.
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